Raise the Bar Not Your Voice
USA Today has reported on yelling in the workplace and at home and why for many this is so prevalent. Past research has shown that roughly 88% of parents yell or shout (a thousand families were included in these findings) at their children.
An interesting tid-bit is that 100% of parents of 7 years-old admitted to yelling at their child often. Research has found that yelling at your kid is exhausting for both the yeller (mostly parents) and the receiver of the yelling (mostly kids). Children who are yelled at regularly learn to tune out the yells and therefore, truly do not hear anything that the yeller is trying to communicate to them.
We all fall prey to yelling at some point or another for whatever reason, but chronic yelling can have a very negative affect on the trust and security of our relationships.
Why do we Yell? Well, for various reasons but the underlying truths are we are angry, frustrated or need to simply let it out (vent). John Armando , a licensed clinical social worker, says,
“That belief, that things should be the way we want them to be, tends to trigger that primitive behavior in us. I think yelling would be an example. I’ll increase my volume as a way of trying to solve this problem. But, people get intimidated and push back. So what you get is more of the problem…(Yelling) almost never works, yet we continue to try it. And we continue to escalate.”
All that information is great, but What can you Do to curve your Yelling outbursts? Well the article goes onto note the following ideas.
1. Understand the Difference between Teen and Adult Brains:
Teenage brains are very reactive (not simply rebellious) and sense anger, shock and fear more readily than adults . Scientifically teens use their amygdala (911) area of the brain to process emotion. Whereas, adults use their pre-frontal cortex where problem solving and reason are mediated.
Food for thought opinion of the writer] this might be an adaptive trait since they are as “children” subject to the rule and regulations put in place by the “adults” that surround them.
The article suggests that they might yell because they feel a threat to their emotional well-being or as a Mayday response to an adult’s yelling causing them to run or debate or tune it all out.
2. Simply Calm Yourself:
Always try to diffuse the stressor in relationships by gaining distance on it and acknowledging that we are all just human and have the same emotions, fear, sadness, anger, frustration, etc.
Saying to yourself or out loud that you are never going to yell again is a recipe for more yelling and a sure way to deem yourself a failure,which can lead to anger or frustration, therefore more yelling.
3. Break the Yelling Cycle by actively implementing the following Strategies:
a. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Whether it is to start your day or at the moment before an eruption Take a breath in for four counts and out for seven.
b. Notice you body’s physical response, your heartbeat, sweat, etc before an urge to yell. This can help strengthen you Self-Regulating neural pathways to boost self-calming.
c. Regular exercise, including Yoga, are always a good ways to boost your immune system and inflammation making you feel better overall, which can have an impact on how you handle the “little things”.